Depression How I Loath Thee

So it turns out that apparently weaning can trigger depression.

I weaned BabyBug mid november and have been kind of doing a slow and graceful free fall ever since. As I often feel a little down during the depths of winter (woo living in northern canada! SAD is rather common unfortunately due to the huge lack of sun) it took a while before I clued in that this was something more then that.

I'm constantly tired, I have little to no patience for poor BabyBug. I'm just generally blah and grumpy, everything is a chore... and get this..

Lately I don't even want to go to work. Now I LIKE my job, I enjoy chatting with my boss in our crazy orange basement office. So that was a big red flag for me.

Googling led me to many many forums and sites where women talk about depression after weaning, now obviously some of it was mislabeled as depression when it is in fact simple mourning for the relationship you had with your baby that is gone now. That is not what I'm dealing with, I enjoyed those special snuggles and miss it a little, but what I'm feeling is entirely hormonal combined with a lot on my plate at the moment.

Weaning led to my period returning. Starting to bleed monthly definitely bummed me out, it's such a messy disgusting part of being a woman. My IUD is giving me problems, especially after having sex. I'm sorry but being in AGONY the day after getting some whoopy and my abdomen puffing out in a painful bloat that makes me look 4 months preggo is NOT normal. So there is that.

DaddyBug is away at school for his apprenticeship, so I'm doing the solo-parenting gig. Which seriously while working is a challenge. If I'm not working, I'm Mom-ing, I have not had a single fun carefree moment alone since Daddybug first went to school 5 weeks ago.

Then yesterday, yesterday was bad. I have not felt that level of depression in years, literally not since my blackest days as a teen in the depths of a rather severe depression have I felt like that. It scared me, a lot. The last time I felt that bad, I withdrew from the world, I drove my friends away, I dropped out of school, I pretty much hibernated. So feeling that horrible, with that oppressive, crushing weight of hopelessness and doom sitting on my chest scared the crap out of me.

How lucky I am that some wonderful wonderful ladies were on facebook last night for me to chat with. I love my friends. Just talking about how badly I was feeling helped a lot. Like, a LOT. Because I can't dump on DaddyBug right now, he writes his final exam in a week and if I told him in detail how bad I'm doing, he would not be studying, he would be worrying.

I'm not lying or keeping secrets from him, I gave him a vague overlay of being down, but yesterday I would have spilled too many details and he would be worried.

Today, is not as bad. It is bad.. but the degree from yesterday to today has improved sufficiently for me to function a little without feeling like crying. I hate crying, loath crying. I think DaddyBug has only seen me cry twice, perhaps three times in our 6 year relationship.

Yes yes not crying is unhealthy, I *know* this. Theoretically.

Well, to the doctor I will go, I will make an appointment on monday, talk about birth control, and depression, and see what to do about this. I'm hoping to come out of this without medication, but if needed I will start popping some happy pills for a while.

I am a failed blogger.

Holy - not a post since april batman!

Ah well. Been rather busy.

Got a job, lamess at a liquor store, but hey whatevs it was a job.

Is a job rather.

Then, this lady I know who owns and runs not one, but TWO businesses, messages me on facebook wanting to also hire me. As her assistant, her general assistant who is so many types of assistant (production, administrative, etc etc) that cutting out the fancy extra prefix is simply easier.

A job that I get to use my brain with? Obviously I accepted. So now I'm insanely doing the two-job shuffle. Luckily they are both part time, and the assistant gig is still flexible on my terms. Till spring anyway, and the I'll probably quit the liquor store.

BabyBug is spending extra time with the Gramasitter and sometimes lately the Bijisitter and she is digging getting to see her Grandparents extra. Especially now that I've been working a few months. Because hooo-boy it was a bit of an adjustement for wee Babybug not having her Mama around 24/7.

But it's good, and internets... We have this wonderful thing called 'extra money' and I have been able to buy a few shirts, get our accounts out of the red, and even buy a few small life-enhancing toys.

*cough*Beatles: Rock Band*cough*

Babybug was a very cute lion for halloween. My man is officially a survivor of H1N1 and somehow didn't pass on that virus to either BabyBug or myself.

We just got home from a middle of the week 'weekend' celebrating my man's birthday and we had a fantastic time. Well he better have, how many wives will take their men to the strippers on their birthday and then encourage him to 'really, go ahead and get that lap dance' and honestly be fine with it? But seriously a great time was had by all, and I even had my boobs signed.

Just the two of us..

So in reg to last post.. it seems that airing my dirty laundry so to speak was just the balm my soul needed, because I feel like myself again. Angry Mama seems to have taken a hike. Thank goodness. BabyBug and I are much happier.

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Daddybug started school this monday. I'd forgotten how creepy it is being alone in a house. So much more so then being alone in an apartment. In general it's fine, but there are those 'what ifs'. I think of what I would do if anything bad happens. Anything bad generally being having someone scary come into the house. (Sooo not likely in my little town) but I check the locks twice, and I make sure my cellphone has a charge, bringing it to bed with me where it sits on the nightstand.

I miss him. I miss him a lot. We have bad chemistry on the phone, the conversation lags, it isn't the same. But he's doing well in school, and he'll be home friday afternoon until sunday evening. I hope that it's nice outside and we can get out together as a family, go for a walk, take the kid to the park.

Babybug and I are keeping busy, we have started Mom & Tot swim lessons twice a week and we have found a new Playgroup to go to every thursday at 10am. I'm keeping the house clean, and have just taken on the job of reformatting/updating cleaning a friends computers, the tower today, a laptop tomorrow. I'm honestly thinking of putting flyers up around town to do PC Spring cleaning.. a package deal including physical cleaning (a highly underestimated part of computer owning, especially with summer coming) , and virus/malware scan. We'll see. It would bring in some cash though.

Happy Birthday To Me

So today I've reached the unripe age of 25. I spent my birthday hanging out with a sick baby by myself. Night before last I put Babybug to bed, and around 3ish she woke up to nurse and seemed to have a low grade temp but she went right back to bed so I didn't think much of it. Until yesterday morning. Oh she was sick dear internets. She felt very very ill all day.

Early on she clearly felt rather ick but manageably so, and when she noticed the blue sky and sunshine that was waiting for us out the door she started imploring me "side? .. side?" and I figuring that if we were going to do this, early on would be our only chance, so outside we went. I was unwashed, unbrushed, and still in pajamas but damn it we went for a walk. Our walk went splendidly, she walked down the street, around the corner and almost to my Mom's house when she puttered out and wanted up. We came home where she promptly asked to nurse and fell asleep. The rest of the day was downhill, poor thing.

I abandoned all ideas i had of doing laundry, vacuuming, loading the dishwasher and otherwise being productive and went into fully Mommy Mode. Which is to say, as her temperature climbed and she began to feel progressively worse, we spent the day snuggling, napping and watching DVDs. She loves the music from Across The Universe if anyone cares. In one of her more cheerful moments I had her singing along with it at one point as she sweetly sang "na na na nana naaaa, na na na naaaa naa naaa"

She ended up spending most of the night snuggling in bed with me, initially she was in her bed, but after waking up every 40 minutes four times I just brought her to bed where she slept much better.

So today as she was a fair bit improved for most of the afternoon, I did some basic tidying and we went outside for another walk. I whored it up on facebook to make sure I was getting some birthday lovin, received some phone calls from family, and just hung out with the kid.

We also had a lovely three hour nap together. First time I've had a birthday nap since I was a preschooler dear internets, and it was the best nap ever. We both woke up in a wonderful feel good mood, ready for lunch. Babybug started asking for nums "num?.. num?.. num?" "Are you hungry honey? Do you want some soup?" And she looked up at me and said "num? ssshhhcooop(that's my lame attempt at typing a slurping sound) num!" So I heated up her favorite soup (Knorr Red Pepper Tomato) and she ate an entire baby-sized bowl of it. I had some too because that soup really is delicious.

All in all, a pretty good birthday. Mellow, snuggly, no drama. And sweet sweet sunshine!

Angry Mama

My temper has been rather fickle lately and I'm not sure what needs to be done about it. Things that shouldn't piss me off are, generally things related to babybug.

The problem is that in my head I *know* as in really really know what is an appropriate response and what isn't. But having this knowledge isn't helping me respond with the appropriate response lately. I've been going from being fine to full out RAWR pissed the fuck off, snap, snarl, etc etc. And then fine again (bi-polar much???) Then the guilt and the self doubt and me going "Dude WTF is your problem, you have all this knowledge and you know what to do and how to do it, but you're letting your pissy emotional brain get the better of you!"

Like, I'm fine getting up with her in the night, whatever. Go to baby room, pick up baby, hug baby, whip out boob then put her back to bed and I go back to my bed. But if she decides to let me get warm and snuggly in my bed only to wait 5 minutes and start "Aiiiieeeeee"ing me, or heaven forbid.. wait till I'm actually JUST ASLEEP AGAIN. Eeesh. Hell hath no fury like Girl's Sleep Interrupted. Daddybug gets to here me grump and snarl in bed before I get up and go to tend to her.

A lot of the time my patience level is GREAT, it's fine, because a lot of the time my supposedly 'evolved' primate mind can rationalize that a given behavior is normal, typical and common. It isn't out to get me, it isn't to piss me off, it just IS and that's fine. Annoying, but fine.

Then other times, she chucks her fruitsation coated spoon on my nice clean floor and I see fruit goop splatter all over and my blood freaking boils. Especially when she's only eaten like 2.5 bites of food.

Is this a weird angsty and very much delayed form of post partum? Is this bi-polar disorder? Do I need meds or just a break? I've googled bi-polar and I don't *seem* to have it, as I definitely never have anything nearing a manic phase. Excess energy? What's that? The only time I have an excess of energy is when I can force myself to start cleaning my house the moment I've woken up (and it's FORCE MYSELF.. as my chair calls to my ass in the morning) and then I can ride a sense of accomplishment through the afternoon.

Is it SADD? This winter that's moving into the 7th month is starting to bring me down, I keep getting taunted with blue skies and sunshine that melts most of the snow, only for us to get dumped on with more. I yearn for spring, I ache for summer weather. There is so much I want to do with Babybug now that she is older and does play, and CAN do all kinds of cool kid stuff. But we're cooped up inside time and time again. So I get bummed and kind of fizz out.

I don't know what to do, I've been through a long and horrible depression. This isn't that exactly, but it's a funk for sure. I really want to avoid another depression, I don't want to have to get anti-depressants again. But I also don't like this anger that keeps bubbling up. And it isn't fair to babybug, because she is awesome and I love her to death, and I want what's best for her. I don't want her to grow up remembering an angry mom. I don't want to be an angry mom.

This needs to stop, this isn't me. I will not let this get worse and become 'normal'. I refuse. Normal is not this blood boiling, vein bulging UNREASONABLE anger. This is ridiculous. I need to stop this pattern now.

Alright. I have noone to talk about this too, noone who can understand, who won't judge. Won't assume or read more into then there is (because hello, I'm not beating or hitting my kid, or screaming at her day and night.. it isn't like that, most of it is contained and away from her)

All the same, it needs to stop before this escalates and worsens. Please come out sunshine, come and play. Alright, I'm holding myself accountable here. Will post in a week and see if I've been able to make improvements. If I'm feeling the same or worse by monday next week I'll go visit a doctor and see if they have any ideas. If I need meds, there must be something that is safe to take while breastfeeding.

Sledding. Or Not.

So a few days ago I turned to DaddyBug and said "Hey when BabyBug wakes up.. want to take her sledding?" And he said sureeee why not?

It'll be fun I thought, the big kids are in school, there's fresh snow on the hill, BabyBug will love it. She certainly likes getting tossed around the house. (In the safe and gentle onto the couch kind of way peeps.) Geez.

So I scoured the basement for my proper winter boots, spent 15 minutes stuffing BabyBug into several layers, then snowsuit & babylegs to hold her winter boots on and camera in pocket off we went.

The hill is just down the street, BabyBug was so excited! What fun new thing were we doing outside? With Mom & Dad! Wow! She babbled excitedly in my arms. So we arrive at the very large hill, the fresh powder is broken only by two lone snowboard trails. I set BabyBug onto the sled and slide in behind her. Daddybug gives us a slight push to get going and we started rushing through the air. My stomach takes a lurch as we glide and drift across the snow and we begin to pick up speed, I briefly take a moment to ponder if perhaps this is too fast but my ruminations are short lived because now the fresh powder is our downfall as it begins to fly into our faces. BabyBug is not impressed, BabyBug is scared of this awful cold white stuff that is daring to poof into her face. She makes this annoyed/scared/ warbling cry and as I'm trying to vainly wipe the melting flakes from her face we come to a slow and gentle stop so I scoop her into my arms and after a moment of snuggling all is fine again.

Daddybug walks down to our place on the hill and carries the sled back up for us. I suggest to him, does he want to go down once with her? Because surely she was only distressed from the snow in the face, and now that I've broken the trail as long as they go down it again, no more snow should fly. It sounds reasonable to DaddyBug so I set her on the sled.

"No." She says. She puts her arms up and imperiously commands "Mup!" So I pick her up and she immediately leans out of my arms for her Dad. (It's my fault the nasty snow blasted her you see) She looks down at the sled again "No" Then turns towards the hill starts waving her mittened hand and firmly says "Bye." Flabbergasted that our little 15 month old could so clearly convey her opinion on this we laugh and ask her "You want to go home eh?" She laughs, delighted that we understand, and turning for home says "Dehr". So home we went.

And we may not have gotten any pictures of our little snow bug, and we definitely didn't really do much of the intended purpose, but I'll never forget her turning to that hill and waving bye, then looking at us expectantly, and of the unabashed delight on her face when we turned around and did exactly as she wanted us to do. It was hilarious, it was so sweet. I'll remember that afternoon always. Oh BabyBug, your sweet little hand waving and saying bye to that hill. Precious.

There's always next year ;)

Oh MIL...

Please when reading the title instead of assuming the 'M' stands for Mom, please substitute it for the first word that comes to mind that also starts with Mo but ends rather differently.

I don't want to write a post bitching about her again, but I can't help it and am going to anyway. The other day when she so rudely showed up unannounced , I sat her down and very gently explained that while we loved her to pieces, she really must start doing us the courtesy of calling ahead of time. She sulked and pouted and did the really mature well fine you want me to leave i'll leave thing, until we had gotten our message through (I thought) that we do want her in BabyBug's life, we just want the common courtesy of a damn phone call.

I posted the incident on a certain Dealing With The Inlaws forum, and they pretty much told me that I was too nice about. eh..

Which brings us to this evening. A boo-hooing MIL calls us up to pitch a pissy-fit because we're keeping her granddaughter away from her. So she bitched and moaned to poor DaddyBug and he's getting right pissed at her (I was so proud peeps) stating again and again that it's all in her head, we just want to make plans, at the very least a goddamn fucking phone call. And why yes C.G's family does always call first. Yes, every time.

We don't answer the phone she says, we don't call back she says. We've been telling her for years to leave a message if she wants a call back. She doesn't want to leave a message, she doesn't want to make plans, doesn't have time to. Well Boo-Fucking-Hoo. It is really not that hard to say "Hi C.G, this is MIL. I was thinking of stopping by later today, please call me when you're home". If you're going uptown then call us and say "I'm going up town now and was going to stop by on my way home, is that good for you?".

It isn't torture, we aren't asking much. It's a 15 second voice mail. If we're home we do answer the phone.

So in the end a very cranky DaddyBug got off the phone and informed me that MIL would like to be called tomorrow after after BabyBug's nap. However the way she worded it was; "Tell C.G to call me when BabyBug is up from her nap" and DaddyBug said "I will not tell C.G to call you, but I will ask her to."

So now the thing is... do I call her? I want to stand my ground and force the demanding spoiled MIL to get off her high horse and call me. Or do I compromise and call her and start the ball rolling? I just really feel like she is getting her way by me calling because she told DaddyBug to tell me to do so.