Le Sigh

So today despite what I wanted to do, we went to MIL's for a visit, that as always turned into dinner. It went fine all things considering. She isn't horrible always, she can be quite nice and generous when she's in the mood for it, our main problem is P/A comments and her annoying habit of ordering us around.

However, Daddybug was feeling charitable and made an insanely foolish comment. MIL whisks the kid away down the hallway, coming back with a toy out of SIL's room. MIL comments on how Babybug pointed up at the dozens of teddy's hanging from the ceiling and Daddybug says... "Oh that's where you'll have sleepovers with your Booji (Aunty) someday, that's where you'll sleep when you have sleepovers with Biji(Grandma) ... yeah someday you'll have sleepovers!"

*head bang*

Thus opening the road to future whining along the lines of "but you said she'd sleep here someday" Because she really is the type to take that inane little conversation, catalogue it away and hold it against us forever more.

And while I suppose it's eventually possible that MIL will be granted a miraculous overnight visit, I at the moment cannot fathom how I will achieve the comfort level to grant such a thing. I suppose it'll happen when I'm not worried about her bad mouthing me in my child's presence, (she was busted doing this exact thing about her SIL with her Niece staying over) and when she's of an age where a whole grape and a cashew are no longer dangerous.

MIL, Children with 6 teeth cannot eat nuts, not any nuts at all, ever, unless in spreadable paste like peanut butter. And whole grapes are a squishy choking hazard. DUH.

Bah. And the other worst moment of the evening:

MIL turns to me and says "Bring her over for an afternoon some day, leave her with me so we can see how she does. So she can get used to me, yes an afternoon some time."

*crickets chirping*

She told me to do this, there was not the slightest suggestion of it being an offer or a request. This was an order. Give me the child unsupervised because supervised visits are not good enough.

I left Babybug with her once, at DH's request. I felt horrible about it, didn't want to do it, leaving was hard. I do not have this problem with my parents so I wasn't sure if it was Mommy Instincts or just a personal bias showing through, so I did it. And MIL lasted until BabyBug needed a nap, couldn't get her to settle, and called me to save the day.

That was the first and only time she's had the kid to herself. She keeps destroying chances of a future alone visit by feeding the child inappropriate foods, and by vanishing with the kid every chance she gets. She finds an insanely large amount of reasons to flee the room with my kid in arms. So annoying.

Although obviously the Neice/SIL story stays in my mind all the time, especially since She puts all the blame on SIL sending dear Niece to SPY on her talking with her daughter. She didn't innocently overhear and go ask mommy why aunty was saying mean things.. no no.. the 7 year old was a spy. Sure. That makes perfect sense. Blame the Hannah Montana obsessing 7 year old.

I know, dear peeps, the MIL rants are old, but DH is feeling so good about a 'good' visit with his mother, that I don't want to spoil his evening by going off on him about promising sleepovers, potential death by giant whole grape and demands of babysitting. So, since I'm *trying* to give the guy a break, you guys get the brunt. Sorry.

Irony.

There is a movie on tv right now, about an Indian family living in Canada, the main character has the same name as DaddyBug. In the movie this guy fell in love with *gasp* a WHITE girl!! And his Mommy Dearest has a panic attack and says many mean things about those horrible white people in general.

Deja Vu?

My MIL also likes to say things about 'those people'. She's been in Canada for 26 years and still talks about us white folks as 'those people'.   As in "well you know how those people are regarding _______". Babies before marriage, divorce, premarital sex, low income.. pretty much anything you can think of has nothing to do with the families and the individual people themselves, it can all be lumped into one simple phrase... "Those people." 

One of her biggest freak-outs when we told her we were pregnant was because people in town were going to think badly of her and we were going to embarrass her. And we must get married right now!  Because it's fine for 'those people' to have babies without being married, but they're better then 'those people'.

That's a direct quote out of MIL's mouth passed on to me via DaddyBug peeps.

For the record, noone in town batted an eye.

She also likes to go off on tangents about 'The Chinese, and The Koreans" because according to her, every single person of those race's are out to rip you off. 

And I'm always the disrespectful DIL (or Daughter Out of Law really lol) and make a comment along the lines of "not everyone in ______ minority group fits a freaking stereotype!!!) and she lets it fall off like water by saying "well no, but most of them.)

So I guess I can feel a little mollified that her racism and bigotry is spread around the board to most groups that simply arn't Indian. But I still find it disgusting. 

Now I realize as a white girl living in Canada I'm treading a turbulent river by even daring to call out other people for racism, but I am consistently baffled on why it is considered OK for someone in a minority group to bash people in a different minority group. And unfortunately such bigotry has seeped into DaddyBug's subconscious, as he's been known to make snap racist judgments on people too. It's a constant source of contention for us. 

So between snarking at my Dad's family for their derogative comments (If I hear my dad say the word 'chink' one more time... *head explodes*), snarking at DaddyBug.. and occasionally snipping at MIL, I am a busy busy grasshopper some days. 

And a cranky grasshopper, because such talk pisses me off.  And it stresses me out, because I am the mother of a bi-racial child, and every time I hear MIL make rude comments about 'those people' I think of how this is going to affect my daughter, because half of her family is 'those people' , SHE is half white.  I don't want her feeling like she has to deny her white family when she's around MIL, I want my daughter to accept and be happy with the fact that she is indian.. AND she is white. But irregardless, what she is primarily is just.. Canadian. I know from my research that bi-racial children tread a fine line in their lives about knowing where to belong, are they this.. or are they that.. and is it okay to be both without betraying either? 

It does not need to be made worse by my little girl having it in her head that "MIL will only love me if I try to be as Indian as possible". Someday.. I will have to sit MIL and have a chat about that, because if she is going to be a toxic influence on my daughter's self image.. she will be cut out. 

I hope someday that we can all just be Canadian.. or American.. and drop this division amongst ourselves.  Oh how i hope. But until then I'll continue being a little grasshopper on shoulders, poking and proding, and trying to raise my daughter to the best of my ability.