I weaned BabyBug mid november and have been kind of doing a slow and graceful free fall ever since. As I often feel a little down during the depths of winter (woo living in northern canada! SAD is rather common unfortunately due to the huge lack of sun) it took a while before I clued in that this was something more then that.
I'm constantly tired, I have little to no patience for poor BabyBug. I'm just generally blah and grumpy, everything is a chore... and get this..
Lately I don't even want to go to work. Now I LIKE my job, I enjoy chatting with my boss in our crazy orange basement office. So that was a big red flag for me.
Googling led me to many many forums and sites where women talk about depression after weaning, now obviously some of it was mislabeled as depression when it is in fact simple mourning for the relationship you had with your baby that is gone now. That is not what I'm dealing with, I enjoyed those special snuggles and miss it a little, but what I'm feeling is entirely hormonal combined with a lot on my plate at the moment.
Weaning led to my period returning. Starting to bleed monthly definitely bummed me out, it's such a messy disgusting part of being a woman. My IUD is giving me problems, especially after having sex. I'm sorry but being in AGONY the day after getting some whoopy and my abdomen puffing out in a painful bloat that makes me look 4 months preggo is NOT normal. So there is that.
DaddyBug is away at school for his apprenticeship, so I'm doing the solo-parenting gig. Which seriously while working is a challenge. If I'm not working, I'm Mom-ing, I have not had a single fun carefree moment alone since Daddybug first went to school 5 weeks ago.
Then yesterday, yesterday was bad. I have not felt that level of depression in years, literally not since my blackest days as a teen in the depths of a rather severe depression have I felt like that. It scared me, a lot. The last time I felt that bad, I withdrew from the world, I drove my friends away, I dropped out of school, I pretty much hibernated. So feeling that horrible, with that oppressive, crushing weight of hopelessness and doom sitting on my chest scared the crap out of me.
How lucky I am that some wonderful wonderful ladies were on facebook last night for me to chat with. I love my friends. Just talking about how badly I was feeling helped a lot. Like, a LOT. Because I can't dump on DaddyBug right now, he writes his final exam in a week and if I told him in detail how bad I'm doing, he would not be studying, he would be worrying.
I'm not lying or keeping secrets from him, I gave him a vague overlay of being down, but yesterday I would have spilled too many details and he would be worried.
Today, is not as bad. It is bad.. but the degree from yesterday to today has improved sufficiently for me to function a little without feeling like crying. I hate crying, loath crying. I think DaddyBug has only seen me cry twice, perhaps three times in our 6 year relationship.
Yes yes not crying is unhealthy, I *know* this. Theoretically.
Well, to the doctor I will go, I will make an appointment on monday, talk about birth control, and depression, and see what to do about this. I'm hoping to come out of this without medication, but if needed I will start popping some happy pills for a while.
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