Just the two of us..

So in reg to last post.. it seems that airing my dirty laundry so to speak was just the balm my soul needed, because I feel like myself again. Angry Mama seems to have taken a hike. Thank goodness. BabyBug and I are much happier.

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Daddybug started school this monday. I'd forgotten how creepy it is being alone in a house. So much more so then being alone in an apartment. In general it's fine, but there are those 'what ifs'. I think of what I would do if anything bad happens. Anything bad generally being having someone scary come into the house. (Sooo not likely in my little town) but I check the locks twice, and I make sure my cellphone has a charge, bringing it to bed with me where it sits on the nightstand.

I miss him. I miss him a lot. We have bad chemistry on the phone, the conversation lags, it isn't the same. But he's doing well in school, and he'll be home friday afternoon until sunday evening. I hope that it's nice outside and we can get out together as a family, go for a walk, take the kid to the park.

Babybug and I are keeping busy, we have started Mom & Tot swim lessons twice a week and we have found a new Playgroup to go to every thursday at 10am. I'm keeping the house clean, and have just taken on the job of reformatting/updating cleaning a friends computers, the tower today, a laptop tomorrow. I'm honestly thinking of putting flyers up around town to do PC Spring cleaning.. a package deal including physical cleaning (a highly underestimated part of computer owning, especially with summer coming) , and virus/malware scan. We'll see. It would bring in some cash though.

Happy Birthday To Me

So today I've reached the unripe age of 25. I spent my birthday hanging out with a sick baby by myself. Night before last I put Babybug to bed, and around 3ish she woke up to nurse and seemed to have a low grade temp but she went right back to bed so I didn't think much of it. Until yesterday morning. Oh she was sick dear internets. She felt very very ill all day.

Early on she clearly felt rather ick but manageably so, and when she noticed the blue sky and sunshine that was waiting for us out the door she started imploring me "side? .. side?" and I figuring that if we were going to do this, early on would be our only chance, so outside we went. I was unwashed, unbrushed, and still in pajamas but damn it we went for a walk. Our walk went splendidly, she walked down the street, around the corner and almost to my Mom's house when she puttered out and wanted up. We came home where she promptly asked to nurse and fell asleep. The rest of the day was downhill, poor thing.

I abandoned all ideas i had of doing laundry, vacuuming, loading the dishwasher and otherwise being productive and went into fully Mommy Mode. Which is to say, as her temperature climbed and she began to feel progressively worse, we spent the day snuggling, napping and watching DVDs. She loves the music from Across The Universe if anyone cares. In one of her more cheerful moments I had her singing along with it at one point as she sweetly sang "na na na nana naaaa, na na na naaaa naa naaa"

She ended up spending most of the night snuggling in bed with me, initially she was in her bed, but after waking up every 40 minutes four times I just brought her to bed where she slept much better.

So today as she was a fair bit improved for most of the afternoon, I did some basic tidying and we went outside for another walk. I whored it up on facebook to make sure I was getting some birthday lovin, received some phone calls from family, and just hung out with the kid.

We also had a lovely three hour nap together. First time I've had a birthday nap since I was a preschooler dear internets, and it was the best nap ever. We both woke up in a wonderful feel good mood, ready for lunch. Babybug started asking for nums "num?.. num?.. num?" "Are you hungry honey? Do you want some soup?" And she looked up at me and said "num? ssshhhcooop(that's my lame attempt at typing a slurping sound) num!" So I heated up her favorite soup (Knorr Red Pepper Tomato) and she ate an entire baby-sized bowl of it. I had some too because that soup really is delicious.

All in all, a pretty good birthday. Mellow, snuggly, no drama. And sweet sweet sunshine!

Angry Mama

My temper has been rather fickle lately and I'm not sure what needs to be done about it. Things that shouldn't piss me off are, generally things related to babybug.

The problem is that in my head I *know* as in really really know what is an appropriate response and what isn't. But having this knowledge isn't helping me respond with the appropriate response lately. I've been going from being fine to full out RAWR pissed the fuck off, snap, snarl, etc etc. And then fine again (bi-polar much???) Then the guilt and the self doubt and me going "Dude WTF is your problem, you have all this knowledge and you know what to do and how to do it, but you're letting your pissy emotional brain get the better of you!"

Like, I'm fine getting up with her in the night, whatever. Go to baby room, pick up baby, hug baby, whip out boob then put her back to bed and I go back to my bed. But if she decides to let me get warm and snuggly in my bed only to wait 5 minutes and start "Aiiiieeeeee"ing me, or heaven forbid.. wait till I'm actually JUST ASLEEP AGAIN. Eeesh. Hell hath no fury like Girl's Sleep Interrupted. Daddybug gets to here me grump and snarl in bed before I get up and go to tend to her.

A lot of the time my patience level is GREAT, it's fine, because a lot of the time my supposedly 'evolved' primate mind can rationalize that a given behavior is normal, typical and common. It isn't out to get me, it isn't to piss me off, it just IS and that's fine. Annoying, but fine.

Then other times, she chucks her fruitsation coated spoon on my nice clean floor and I see fruit goop splatter all over and my blood freaking boils. Especially when she's only eaten like 2.5 bites of food.

Is this a weird angsty and very much delayed form of post partum? Is this bi-polar disorder? Do I need meds or just a break? I've googled bi-polar and I don't *seem* to have it, as I definitely never have anything nearing a manic phase. Excess energy? What's that? The only time I have an excess of energy is when I can force myself to start cleaning my house the moment I've woken up (and it's FORCE MYSELF.. as my chair calls to my ass in the morning) and then I can ride a sense of accomplishment through the afternoon.

Is it SADD? This winter that's moving into the 7th month is starting to bring me down, I keep getting taunted with blue skies and sunshine that melts most of the snow, only for us to get dumped on with more. I yearn for spring, I ache for summer weather. There is so much I want to do with Babybug now that she is older and does play, and CAN do all kinds of cool kid stuff. But we're cooped up inside time and time again. So I get bummed and kind of fizz out.

I don't know what to do, I've been through a long and horrible depression. This isn't that exactly, but it's a funk for sure. I really want to avoid another depression, I don't want to have to get anti-depressants again. But I also don't like this anger that keeps bubbling up. And it isn't fair to babybug, because she is awesome and I love her to death, and I want what's best for her. I don't want her to grow up remembering an angry mom. I don't want to be an angry mom.

This needs to stop, this isn't me. I will not let this get worse and become 'normal'. I refuse. Normal is not this blood boiling, vein bulging UNREASONABLE anger. This is ridiculous. I need to stop this pattern now.

Alright. I have noone to talk about this too, noone who can understand, who won't judge. Won't assume or read more into then there is (because hello, I'm not beating or hitting my kid, or screaming at her day and night.. it isn't like that, most of it is contained and away from her)

All the same, it needs to stop before this escalates and worsens. Please come out sunshine, come and play. Alright, I'm holding myself accountable here. Will post in a week and see if I've been able to make improvements. If I'm feeling the same or worse by monday next week I'll go visit a doctor and see if they have any ideas. If I need meds, there must be something that is safe to take while breastfeeding.