The problem is that in my head I *know* as in really really know what is an appropriate response and what isn't. But having this knowledge isn't helping me respond with the appropriate response lately. I've been going from being fine to full out RAWR pissed the fuck off, snap, snarl, etc etc. And then fine again (bi-polar much???) Then the guilt and the self doubt and me going "Dude WTF is your problem, you have all this knowledge and you know what to do and how to do it, but you're letting your pissy emotional brain get the better of you!"
Like, I'm fine getting up with her in the night, whatever. Go to baby room, pick up baby, hug baby, whip out boob then put her back to bed and I go back to my bed. But if she decides to let me get warm and snuggly in my bed only to wait 5 minutes and start "Aiiiieeeeee"ing me, or heaven forbid.. wait till I'm actually JUST ASLEEP AGAIN. Eeesh. Hell hath no fury like Girl's Sleep Interrupted. Daddybug gets to here me grump and snarl in bed before I get up and go to tend to her.
A lot of the time my patience level is GREAT, it's fine, because a lot of the time my supposedly 'evolved' primate mind can rationalize that a given behavior is normal, typical and common. It isn't out to get me, it isn't to piss me off, it just IS and that's fine. Annoying, but fine.
Then other times, she chucks her fruitsation coated spoon on my nice clean floor and I see fruit goop splatter all over and my blood freaking boils. Especially when she's only eaten like 2.5 bites of food.
Is this a weird angsty and very much delayed form of post partum? Is this bi-polar disorder? Do I need meds or just a break? I've googled bi-polar and I don't *seem* to have it, as I definitely never have anything nearing a manic phase. Excess energy? What's that? The only time I have an excess of energy is when I can force myself to start cleaning my house the moment I've woken up (and it's FORCE MYSELF.. as my chair calls to my ass in the morning) and then I can ride a sense of accomplishment through the afternoon.
Is it SADD? This winter that's moving into the 7th month is starting to bring me down, I keep getting taunted with blue skies and sunshine that melts most of the snow, only for us to get dumped on with more. I yearn for spring, I ache for summer weather. There is so much I want to do with Babybug now that she is older and does play, and CAN do all kinds of cool kid stuff. But we're cooped up inside time and time again. So I get bummed and kind of fizz out.
I don't know what to do, I've been through a long and horrible depression. This isn't that exactly, but it's a funk for sure. I really want to avoid another depression, I don't want to have to get anti-depressants again. But I also don't like this anger that keeps bubbling up. And it isn't fair to babybug, because she is awesome and I love her to death, and I want what's best for her. I don't want her to grow up remembering an angry mom. I don't want to be an angry mom.
This needs to stop, this isn't me. I will not let this get worse and become 'normal'. I refuse. Normal is not this blood boiling, vein bulging UNREASONABLE anger. This is ridiculous. I need to stop this pattern now.
Alright. I have noone to talk about this too, noone who can understand, who won't judge. Won't assume or read more into then there is (because hello, I'm not beating or hitting my kid, or screaming at her day and night.. it isn't like that, most of it is contained and away from her)
All the same, it needs to stop before this escalates and worsens. Please come out sunshine, come and play. Alright, I'm holding myself accountable here. Will post in a week and see if I've been able to make improvements. If I'm feeling the same or worse by monday next week I'll go visit a doctor and see if they have any ideas. If I need meds, there must be something that is safe to take while breastfeeding.
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